That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
