Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I'm getting married
To pizza
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