$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
