Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
