Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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