He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
