walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
