i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
