I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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