Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
