I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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