Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
