there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
