dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
