All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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