i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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