my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
