Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
This baby is an asshole
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
