so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
