So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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