That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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