Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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