You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
