The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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