drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I'm too high and old for this...
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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