why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I need a burrito and a hug.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
