He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
