mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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