I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
