My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
