dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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