His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
