I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
