I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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