you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
