You made me cry and you don't even care
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
