Cold hands, warm shart.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
