I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
