If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
