so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
