whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
