i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
