im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
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