Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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