I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
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