My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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