I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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