So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
