remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
