Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
