I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
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