Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
