ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
The struggles of a small town man whore
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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