Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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