I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
